possibly crazy (not sure yet)

Crazy life of a single mother in school the army and overcoming, a dysfunctional childhood. Not to mention trying to date with a child

Monday, July 17, 2006

Dating sucks

Ok so I decided to move on and get past the guy robbie that didn't work out. so I went out with a man named joe who has a five year old son as well. the boys got together both times we met and they got along great. Joe and I got along really well also. I liked him alot, he seemed really nice. we talked on the phone for hours and it felt like minutes. He would call or text a couple of times a day from his job. The first night we met him and his son came to our house and my friend watched the boys while we went out to dinner we had a really great time. Then we came back and watched movies witht the boys. he'd been working 16hours a day and sleeping 1-3 hours a night. and kept passing out. I asked him if he was ok to drive. he said he just needed a little nap. Him and his son ended up sleeping in my bed because he couldnt wake up enough to make it out to his truck. Two nights later my son and I went to his house. He still hadn't been sleeping and you could see it in his face that he was about ready to drop from exhaustion. we left at like 11:30. he went to bed a midnight and was at work at 3:30 am. Fri night we didn't talk much because he was exhausted but we confirmed our plans for him to pick me up from my job sat night in iowa city and we were going to go out. we also made plans to spend sunday together. Sat morning we talked at 6:30 when i was driving to work. He was going to call me in a couple of hours to find out what time we were going to be released. well around 10am I sent him a text telling him the tentative plan for dismissal and he didn't respond. I figured he was working. a couple of hours later I sent another text still no answer. Then I called he didn't answer. I called again an hour or so later nothing. I called when I got released and still nothing. I started to get worried. I called my brother and tried to calm down a little. I had origionally told him I probably wouldn't get released till six and was out earlier so I tried to tell myself that he wasn't expecting me to be out yet. well I still hadn't heard from him sun when I got home from drill. By this time i was really thinking that something had happened to him. I didn't now if he was passed out in his out somewhere and hit his head on the way down or if he had gotten in an accident. I did a people search for his last name it's really uncommon. there was only one listing. so I called. A woman answered and I told her that I was a friend of Joe's and that Im calling cause I was worried that something might have happened to him. and explained a little about him not sleeping and then loosing communication with him. she said that he's fine and she'll tell him I called. well three hours later I called back to see if she had heard from him since I called. she got pissed and was like if you know him so well why don't you have his number to call him. so I explaned that he hasn't been answering thats why I was worried. she told me he's fine and that she would appreciate it if I stopped calling her, and hung up on me. (now I realize that calling his family probabably wasn't the best Idea) I have OCP with phone calls and making sure my shoes match my shirt. That and I get insanely worried over everything. I was completely convinced that something horrible had happened to him. I sent him an email explaning that I was worried and confused blah blah blah. and explained why I had called. I told him if your ok and just not interested anymore say something, im a big girl I can take it. etc etc. well he emails me back this morning and says "you calling my parents wasn't a good idea!!!" thats it. so why do men have to be so fucked up. why make plans with someone and than just leave them hanging. without even having the curteousy to call or send a text. he could've lied and said something came up. Anything. I don't know. I realize that Im crazy and shouldn't have called his family. but I feel like he owed me the respect of letting me know that he was ok and just didn't want to go out.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

When is it time to throw in the towel

So anyway this guy that was like completely into me calling me all the time always wanting to see me, still hasn't found time to see me in two weeks after the second time we went out and we ended up talking about a lot of personal stuff. He says he's busy and that he's been blowing everyone off not just me. Well I have a guy friend who wanted to break up with his girlfriend like a week ago, but said he couldn't tell her that so he will just do what he's done before. He just stopped calling and stopped showing interest. So is this guy that I like trying to get me to loose interest in him or his he genuinely busy. Time will tell I guess. I have other men that would like to date me but to be honest I know it won't work with any of them either. Once they get to know me they won't stick around anyway.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Its been almost a week since the guy I'm thinking about seeing came over. I've hardly talked to him since (his doing not mine). He's going through a lot of shit in his life right now and is pulling away from everybody, not just me or so he says. I feel bad for him that he has all the stuff going on that he does, but Im starting to have my doubts about him. I just don't think that I am ready to date. I am not even close to being over the last guy I dated, and seeing as we are still speaking on the phone i don't see myself getting over him anytime soon. What sucks about this is that we were never actually dating. we were friends and he would come over once in a while. we would talk he would make out, I would usually get him to rub my back for me. Then I would go down on him. We cuddled then he would put his clothes and leave. We have both ended our "relationship" I can't even count the number of times. For some reason we can't stay away from eachother. We both realize that this relationship is unhealthy for both of us, yet we keep seeing eachother when he makes his way back to the state I live in. The guy I was starting to see seemed super sweet but he's not the man that I've been in love/obsessed with for almost two years. not to mention when I have talked to him he's been snappy and today he was damn near yelling at me. I am already having my doubts about dating someone new when all I want is the man I love to call and say Im a stupid idiot and yes I love you too. so having the new guy yelling at me cause he's stressed out and having a bad week, really put me in a funky mood. the man im in love with thinks I should date and that it would be good for me. He knows that Im scared and the reasons why and said I will never get over it if I don't face my fears. So now I am even more confused then ever. not to mention I have like five other men trying to date me. I am not sure what all the hype is about I don't think Im much of a catch and the man I want obviously doesn't think so either. Life sucks

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Why does dating have to be this hard????

Ok im back for a second shot at this. Is dating always so impossibly hard or am I just extra special for being so completely clueless to common sense. A little bit about my history of dating. I've had one truly nice boyfriend back when I was 16/17 years old. This is the only healthy relationship I have ever had. Since than things haven't been all that great. Now I have found or should say he found me, this really sweet guy. I am having problems dating him because he is nice. I am extremely untrusting of men and their intentions and cant let my guard down around nice men, because somewhere inside of me Im convinced that they have some kind of hidden agenda. Now the guys that obviously don't really care that much about me, just basically want a physical relationship I can deal with and can be with them just fine. I am not sure if its because im used to being treated like shit (to much childhood trauma). or because I just don't think that I deserve better. Im sure it has to be a little of both, but as Im writing this I think its more the upfrontness about it. I know what they want and expect from me. I hate guessing, and when you already can't trust people and you have a guy who is definatley physically attracted to you, but not trying to get in your pants, it can make you really start to wonder what the hell he's up to and what he really wants. Apparently my sister-in-law/friend says thats its an obvious decision, date the nice, sweet guy. For me its not that obvious or easy of an decision. The idea of dating someone that I know i could be happy with is a completely and totally terrifying thought. If I date this guy I have to face to many issues. I know I want to, and need to, but Im not sure that im ready to. Now at the same time I piss and moan about being single. Everyday I keep thinking i'm 27 and single if I don't get married in the next couple of years it will probably never happen. I really like this guy he's really sweet and I really enjoy his company. I just don't know how to let myself be happy and sure as hell ain't used to having someone treat me right. Why is this so hard??

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

overcoming childhood trauma

This is my first time blogging, due to insecurities and trust issues we'll leave my name out of this. Basically I am starting a blog because I have all entirely to much free time (not really). I am pretty sure its called procrastination and avoidance or so i've been told. I learned about blogging from two people who have been strong enough to put up with having me in their lives for quite some time. 19yrs for my foster brother and around 10 or 11 for his wife, whom I introduced to him as we were good friends. I am not sure if they are strong or just masichists and love to be punished and tortured. Most likely a little of both. I am a single mother who is in college full-time. I am also in the services (not sure how I feel about that.) My son is five years old, and hes a spoiled little prince or at least I try. Im studying psychology and sociology. I am not sure if I want to fix people the world or just myself. My dream goal would be to be a house wife who has a maid so basically I want to be the CEO of my house. Unfortunately I have to live in reality where that will probably never happen. So if I don't meet a rich man thats dumb enough to fall in love with me. I will eventually get my masters and either a Phd or a law degree and teach at a college, where I can hand out long and cruel assignments to rich stuck up kids who's daddy's paying for their education. unless ofcourse I get a job teaching at a state school where theres a large student pepulation from working class backgrounds then I will be the nice cool teacher that everyone loves, because almost all of the work is done in class. I have a year of school left for my bachelors and I cant wait. to be done with this degree. I will feel a whole lot better.